Today I want to talk to women like me—and the men who care about them.
It’s a subject that no one wants to talk about and yet everyone—in one way or another—is impacted by. Victim, perpetrator, on-looker, silencer, supporter…
Sexual violence. #metoo. #churchtoo.
When I was in the 7thgrade I experienced sexual violence. At the time, I had no term for it as I didn’t know it was a thing. But I knew that from that moment forward I would never be the same. Without me knowing it, something inside me began to die as I began to doubt myself and others, finding refuge only in the things I could control.
It would be years before I would tell anyone. And decades before I understood the full consequences of this one act.
According to RAINN—Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network—every 73 seconds someone in America is sexually assaulted. The 2015 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) reports that 1 in 3 women and nearly 1 in 4 men have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact at some point in their lives. Additionally, nearly 1 in 5 women and 1 in 38 men have been victims of rape (some of them attempted, but no less horrific).
Now consider that this happens in the context of our churches. Which it does. Research has shown that most pastors have struggled with porn, one way sexual immorality manifests itself.
As a female, and one who has experienced both sexual assault and disappointment at the hands of others, I can stand with the countless women (and men) in the church today who are scratching their heads as God seems to be purifying his church across all modes of media—social, traditional, online, print, app-based.
Many of us are silently (and sometimes not so silently) praying for a deep-seeded change that would result in all of God’s people to acknowledge their sin, repent, and seek restoration and healing.
Any platitude of creating ‘boundaries’ for men and women and similar statements (no matter how helpful they may seem) are quickly falling on deaf ears, for we know that Band-Aids are not the answer to the infection of the sin of sexual immorality.
Only a deep change of the heart can turn the tide that is raging through our churches.
So, how can women and victims respond? That’s the question that burns at my heart. Often, the eyes of the world and our churches are turned towards the leaders—anticipating that any effort worth considering must come top down.
Yeah, no.
God is deeply working in the wounds of his precious children who have been victims of abuse in ways too deep for many to see. Several months ago, my pastor spoke this very important phrase: “Tears are not meant to be period, a full stop. They are meant to be a comma, looking to what’s next.”
Our pain is never the end of the story. A friend had shared the below quote by Cle’tse Searle with me, which serves as a great nugget of truth and hope:
Hey friend, if you’ve been a victim of someone else’s sinful behavior, first, I’m sorry. This world is really hard sometimes.
Second, though, your voice and your healing matter. As our church leaders look to each other to figure out the answers, God’s spotlight of love is upon YOU first and foremost. Your voice is the one we need and your strength is the one that can change lives.
For all those who have been victims at the hands of others in the church, let me suggest a couple of concrete ways to move forward.
First, don’t lose your first love—namely, your love of Jesus.
The church is not a perfect people, and never will be. As important as community is—and the fellowship of those who express a faith and commitment to the God we love—we must remember that although people around us may fail us, God will not.
He is the one we keep our focus on, and press forward in. His ability to draw us near in times of disappointment and discouragement may be one of his most personal attributes.
We must keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, “the author and perfecter” of not only our faith, but our very lives and churches.
God knows our hurt. He knows that too many in his church sin too frequently. And this is why grace is so amazing.
Second, don’t lose your story.
For many years, I never told anyone what happened to me when I was younger. It eroded me inside. I finally was able to say out loud what I had been ashamed to admit years prior. The healing journey was long and arduous, but before I knew it, God had birthed in me a sense of goodness.
When I say, don’t lose your story, yes, I mean the story of your pain and woundedness. But more than that, don’t lose the story of God’s creative care in you. For each page of pain in your life, God has taken the proverbial red ink and scratched over, “Past tense. Move to present.”
Your story reimagined is the story of redemption and healing.
For years, I never thought I’d recover from the pain of that incident, and then the pain I inflicted upon me as a result. But hear this if you are in silence, or feel you have no hope: God can heal you. God’s creation of you was intentional. And your story, for all its bumps and bruises, has the power to speak life into others in a way that many can’t.
Second Corinthians 1:3-4 says it well:
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
Third, seek to be filled with grace.
When we are wounded and disappointed, our default can be to move to anger and bitterness. So often in the Gospels, we see Jesus act in countercultural ways that pull towards forgiveness and kindness towards those who hurt him. In the age of social media, where it seems like a quick fix to express our anger and frustration with the wrongs among church leadership, it is wise to consider if this is the best approach.
It’s hard to understand the forgiveness uttered from the lips of Jesus as he was being crucified. It’s countercultural to seek peace instead of justice. But the two need not necessarily be separate. We seek justice through the proper channels. Yet we love despite the pain. We follow Jesus to the hard places in believing that even in the worst of times, he is at work in his people, and loves his church.
When it comes to how some in the church today treat women and victims, we have a long way to go. But as we press forward in our calling to love Jesus and make him known, we can fix our eyes on him, trusting that this isn’t the last word. He can make all things new.
God’s story in you isn’t over—in fact, it’s just begun. Your story is one that God wants to use to encourage others. The healing journey is long, but you are an overcomer.
Much love, Laurie
A friend and co-worker who endured the pain of divorce, as I have, said this to me, “Pain waits for you.” Many times we are injured and we switch to survival mode. But as the waters still, the pain and the injury are there. Over time, we are able to address it. Pain is patient…and does require attention. If we choose not to deal with it, it finds a way to let us know it’s still there. But when we are ready, we can choose to face it and in the end get through it to find the healing on the other side.
Dawn – ah! I’m sorry you have had to experience this pain. I know that some people have spoken of divorce being harder than someone dying due to pain of the situation and knowing the other person is still living life. I totally agree with you that pain is patient. We can push our trauma down for a long, long time but until we can actually face it head on, we are in bondage to it. But it takes great courage and strength–and time!–to face our trauma and pain. Sometimes bringing up old wounds can take up all of our energies. And I think that’s okay.
I remember seeing a fun little info graph on Footprints in the Sand. One image was us walking with God, one was us being carried, and the last was us sitting in the corner crying. Because sometimes it’s okay to do all three and in God’s timing, he will give us grace to take the next step.